last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
