Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
