So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize