my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I checked into jail on foursquare
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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