After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
