Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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