I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
