"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I just found puke in my bra..
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
