the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
