I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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