I skipped work to stalk him.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
