Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
