I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
