I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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