If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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