How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
