Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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