I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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