I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
