Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
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