i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
