I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Say something about gay babies.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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