toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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