Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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