Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
