I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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