What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
