today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He did a backflip because drugs
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
