respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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