he puts the penis in happiness.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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