mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
