My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
