WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
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