Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
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