It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
