Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
