I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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