My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I just want nice things and good sex
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
