i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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