my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
