My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
