Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
