I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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