he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
