I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
try to milk me bitch
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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