Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I need to align my fucking chakras
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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