Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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