I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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