I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
