I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
