When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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