nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He keeps bees of course he's weird
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
