That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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