Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
