I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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