I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
