did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
