Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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