im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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