I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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