sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
