..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize