took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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